


Do I Wanna Know?

by fencingfox



Series: Song Fic Collection [7]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Love Confessions, Song Inspired, Song: Do I Wanna Know?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 12:47:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20796875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fencingfox/pseuds/fencingfox
Summary: When home is far, what else can you do but play matchmaker?





	Do I Wanna Know?

* * *

_Have you got color in your cheeks?_  
_Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift the type_  
_ That sticks around like summat in your teeth?_  
_ Are there some aces up your sleeve?_  
_ Have you no idea that you're in deep?_  
_ I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week_

I freeze mid-drink as the lyrics drift over the holodeck's sound system into my ears. Kathryn looks at me curiously. _No._ I know this song. I heard this song, not—_what?_—an hour ago? Tom suggested it to me sometime last week. _Tom!_ This is his party idea since Neelix started outsourcing party plans. Inspired by his visit to 21st century Earth, Tom wanted a 21st century themed party. The song must be from that time. I scan the room and spot Tom smirking like the devil over his drink and B'Elanna's shoulder. She notices his attention is elsewhere and turns to look at me too. She looks smug. I glare and continue drinking so I don't mouth, "I'll kill you" to them. It wasn't like Tom knew who the song reminds me of. _Right?_ The next lyrics wash over me like rain. I wish I can disappear as I force myself to snap back to Kathryn's curious gaze.

_(Do I wanna know?)_  
_ If this feelin' flows both ways?_  
_ (Sad to see you go)_  
_ Was sorta hopin' that you'd stay_  
_ (Baby, we both know)_  
_ That the nights were mainly made_  
_ For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day_

I most identify with that section. Since New Earth, there's been something silent and magnetizing lurking below the surface. I'm sure she feels it too, but neither one of us is willing to sacrifice our easy friendship to risk venturing into uncharted waters.

"What did he do this time?" It takes me longer than it should to realize that she's talking to me. She sounds exasperated and amused.

"What did who do?" I set my glass down on the small, black table. I'm glad Kathryn led us to a booth in the corner. It probably won't help the rumors...but it eases my mind.

"Tom. You have that look that you did when I had to separate the two of you on the bridge that first day." I sigh.

"I'd rather not get into it." She's silent as the song continues to weave through the thick San Franciscan air. I note that we've missed the chorus in our conversation.

_So have you got the guts?_  
_ Been wonderin' if your heart's still open_  
_ And if so, I wanna know what time it shuts_  
_ Simmer down an' pucker up, I'm sorry to interrupt_  
_ It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of tryin' to kiss you_  
_ I don't know if you feel the same as I do_  
_ But we could be together if you wanted to_

I have to look away from her when the singer laments about trying to kiss someone. She chuffs, clearly amused. _Why can't the holodeck just swallow me whole?_ Ironically, I could ask it to settle quicksand below me. I picture what that would be like. The quicksand would have to be in the booth below me or on the floor under the table. Better that it's under the table so I don't take Kathryn with me. Then it would be a simple matter of sliding down the seat and under the table like a serpent into the quicksand. Except, I'd sink too slowly. Kathryn would just pull me out and I'd have more questions to answer.

"It's the song isn't it?" She throws her hair over her right shoulder and tilts her head to listen to the music better. I can see how her smirk makes her cheek bulge near her ear.

_(Do I wanna know?)_  
_ If this feelin' flows both ways?_  
_ (Sad to see you go)_  
_ Was sorta hopin' that you'd stay_  
_ (Baby, we both know)_  
_ That the nights were mainly made_  
_ For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day_

I try to get her attention by moving my mouth to deny the truth but I can't get anything out. She holds up her hand in the motion I know as "don't". I don't. My stomach simmers. I glance back over at Tom and B'Elanna. He catches my glare and this time I do mouth, "I'll kill you". He mouths back: "If the Captain doesn't kill you first". _Damn._ I look back at her as the next section starts.

_Crawlin' back to you_  
_ Ever thought of callin' when_  
_ You've had a few?_  
_ 'Cause I always do_  
_ Maybe I'm too_  
_ Busy bein' yours_  
_ To fall for somebody new_  
_ Now, I've thought it through_  
_ Crawlin' back to you_

She eyes me as the song begins repeating itself haphazardly. I finish my drink from nerves. _Do I have a reason to leave?_ I don't, but I slide out anyway.

"Chakotay?"

"I should go. Sorry, Captain." It hurts to use her rank, but it's necessary in order to loosen the iron grip she has on my heart.

"Sorry? What for?" She swirls her drink. The clink of glass and ice draw my gaze to her fingers. "It's just a song." I look back at her face when she brings her glass to her lips. Her eyes are something else. They aren't the eyes of someone who believes this is just a song. "Stay." She tilts the glass to her lips and I can see her throat convulse around the liquid. I contemplate her offer. Then I slide back into the booth. She doesn't shift closer, but I swear she feels warmer. "We need to talk about this." I'm brought back to that night in the shelter on New Earth. She used the same word then as now. I swallow and hope my nerves follow suit.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Us." She says it like it's obvious. It is; I just can't bring it up myself. I feel like I'm on display. My feelings, though never hidden by sly flirting or heated glances, were at least in control. Now I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just kiss her. That would answer everything quickly. I might end up in the brig, but at least I'd know. She sets her empty drink on the table and crosses her hands in front of her. The booth is curved, but she's only half facing me. Still, if it weren't for the dim lighting and pulsing music, I'd think we were in her ready room going over reports. "It hasn't changed then?" She looks reserved, but there's a glimmer in her eyes and a barely perceptible upturn at the corners of her mouth.

"No. I'm still the angry warrior who's found peace." I fall back on the fable I told her that night. It's easier than coming completely clean.

"And I'm still the woman warrior who needs him." She smiles, moves her hands to cover mine. My eyes are drawn to her thumbs running small circles over my skin. In the dim light, the difference in our skin tones is less pronounced yet still perceptible. She moves a hand to my cheek. My heart flutters so chaotically I almost think it will give out on me. _Melodramatic today?_ "Chakotay." I look back at her. "I'm only going to say this once and I need you to listen carefully." I nod. "I love you." I think my heart actually does stop. I want to sweep her into a kiss, drag her to the dance floor, walk her to her quarters....but she doesn't seem finished. "And that's precisely why this," she drops her hand back to both of mine and squeezes, "can't happen." My stomach plummets like a rock in water. "We can't date while we're on _Voyager_, while I could potentially send you to your death." She pauses like she's spent nights turning to that possibility. I need to reason with her. I need to have her. She's the only one who can make my heart beat. "When we get home, and if you aren't involved, then we can try." She draws her hands away but I turn mine and grab them before they leave.

"You already love me. You may have to send me to my death whether or not we date." I lean my head forward. We're almost touching. She leans her head forward too. I close my eyes and sigh as I feel her forehead and nose bump against mine. "I'd rather be with you even if you do." She's quiet for a long time. When she finally speaks, she sounds like she's been crying.

"I know. I know, Chakotay. I just don't know if I could—" her voice hitches. I pull away only to draw her in with my arms to my chest. "I don't know if could lead us home if I lost you."

"Then you'll give Tuvok command while you grieve." I smooth her hair on her back wondering how we got to this. I went from wishing to space Tom, to wanting a plot of quicksand in which to drown in, to Kathryn saying she loves me, to comforting her in my arms. When her body stills, I squeeze her softly to let her know I noticed. "Think about it?" Her head nods against my chest before she pulls away. I offer her a napkin and she dabs at her eyes and cheeks. Soon she looks like a sleep-deprived Captain rather than an emotionally-raw Kathryn.

"Now I should go."

"Let me walk you back?" She shakes her head, but smiles.

"No, I need to be with my thoughts first." She hesitates before getting up. Her hands draw up one of my own. She kisses my palm then presses my hand back to the other on the table, palm down. When she leaves, I tell myself I should go too, but I don't want to. She kissed me here. I want that to stay with me for as long as possible. I hear shuffling next to me and look up to see Tom and B'Elanna. Tom has a hand wrapped around B'Elanna's waist and a pang of jealousy for his ability to be so open with B'Elanna strikes me.

"So? Any luck?" Tom asks.

"You might want to watch your back for the next few days. She guessed you were at fault." He scoffs. B'Elanna urges me to scooch and takes the seat at my right. Tom sits across from her at my left. _Trapped._ They couldn't have captured me better if they'd planned it. It strikes me that they probably had planned it.

"She'll come around." B'Elanna says as she rests her hand on mine, the one Kathryn kissed. She's warmer than Kathryn but she doesn't make my heart pump the same.

"I hope so."

_I need her._


End file.
